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Relational Recovery Tool

FANOS Check-In Sheet — Addict / SA Version

FANOS Check-In Sheet — Addict / SA Version

How to use this form

Each partner fills out their own copy independently and in writing first. Then share at your scheduled check-in time. After each section is shared, the Listener responds before moving on to the next.

How Sharing Works — Section by Section

  • •Designate roles before you begin: one person is the Speaker, the other is the Listener.
  • •The Speaker reads their written responses for one section. The Listener listens fully — no interrupting, no correcting, no defending.
  • •After each section, the Listener responds: Summarize → Paraphrase → Ask questions if needed → Validate.
  • •Complete all five sections together this way, then switch roles and go through all five again.
  • •This is not the time to solve problems or revisit past arguments. The goal is understanding.
  • •If either of you feels flooded, take 20 minutes to self-soothe first, then return.
FANOS — The Five Sections

Relational Check-In Prompts

Go through each section one by one. The Speaker shares, the Listener responds, then switch roles.

F

FEELINGS

Section 1 of 5

Name your 2–5 biggest feelings from the last couple of days — since your last check-in up to and including today. Then go deeper: what dropped you into those feelings?

Watch for Criticism — Use “I Feel” LanguageFeelings are about you. “I feel hurt” is a feeling. “I feel like you don’t care” is a thought about your partner. Stay with feeling words: anxious, sad, scared, angry, hopeful, ashamed, tender, lonely, grateful…
Listener responds: Summarize → Paraphrase → Ask questions if needed → Validate — then switch roles.
A

AFFIRMATION

Section 2 of 5

Give one genuine affirmation — or say thank you for something specific you noticed about your partner since your last check-in.

Antidote to Contempt — Build the FoundationRegularly naming what you value or appreciate in your partner actively counters contempt. Be specific — what did they do, and why did it matter to you.
Listener responds: Summarize → Paraphrase → Ask questions if needed → Validate — then switch roles.
N

NEEDS

Section 3 of 5

Ask for one specific thing you need. Naming your need is the practice — it does not mean or guarantee that the need will be fulfilled.

Use Gentle Startup — One Topic, One NeedState your need calmly and specifically. Frame it as: “I need…” or “It would help me if…” Avoid piling requests together, and avoid “you never” or “you always.”
Listener responds: Summarize → Paraphrase → Ask questions if needed → Validate — then switch roles.
O

OWNERSHIP

Section 4 of 5

Own something from your side since your last check-in. Apologize without justification, explanation, or bringing up your partner’s behavior.

Antidote to Defensiveness — Stay on Your SideA real apology has no “but…” on the end of it. Own what is yours, fully. Taking responsibility without deflecting is one of the most powerful things you can offer.
Listener responds: Summarize → Paraphrase → Ask questions if needed → Validate — then switch roles.
S

SOBRIETY

Section 5 of 5 · Addict / SA Version

Check in honestly about your sobriety and recovery since your last check-in. This is a disclosure of where you are — not a performance.

Antidote to Stonewalling — Stay PresentWhen this section feels hard, the impulse is to shut down, minimize, or give a vague answer. That is stonewalling. Staying honest — even when it is uncomfortable — is the work. If you are flooded, name it: “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now but I want to be honest with you.”
Listener responds: Summarize → Paraphrase → Ask questions if needed → Validate — then switch roles.

Speaker & Listener Reference Guide

Relational Ground Rules

Speaker Rules

  • •Use “I” statements only — no “you” statements.
  • •No blaming, criticism, or contempt.
  • •Talk about your feelings, not your partner’s behavior.
  • •State a positive need. Within every complaint there is a longing — when that longing is expressed, a recipe for how to fulfill it may emerge.
  • •Do not try to solve the problem during sharing.

Listener Flow — After Each Section

  • •Start with curiosity: “Help me understand that more…”
  • •Summarize: Capture the essence — content, need, feeling.
  • •Paraphrase: “What I hear you saying is…”
  • •Ask questions if needed — only to deepen understanding.
  • •Validate: (See validation statement below.)
Validation Statement

“It makes sense to me that you would feel that way and have these needs, because…”

Validate emotions even if you disagree with their position — if addiction-related, pin the topic for the couple’s session.

“I” Statement Format
I feel [feeling]→when [situation]→because [reason]

Focus on internal emotional experience rather than evaluating partner behavior.

Additional Ground Rules

No StonewallingIf you need a pause, agree on a time to return — and return.
No YellingRaised voices signal the conversation is no longer safe. Take a time-out.
Time-out if FloodedSelf-soothe for at least 20 minutes. Do not walk away permanently.
Seek UnderstandingThe goal is connection — not resolving everything at once or winning.
Thrive Beyond Trauma Counseling · 37923 W. 12 Mile Rd., Suite C, Farmington Hills, MI 48331 · 248-392-3733